I've been looking for a scam. You know, a full-fledged money-making scam, like the kinds that John Edward, J. Z. Knight, Sonya Fitzpatrick, Sylvia Browne, and Miss Cleo use to separate some of my idiot fellow Americans from their money. I know from recent surveys (for example, the one that found that nearly 60% of adults believe in the existence of ghosts) that there's a lot of untapped stupidity out there. I keep asking myself, "How can I get in on this action?"
Now I think I have the answer. It's been in front of me the whole time. It combines the best features of numerology, mysticism, new-age gullibility, and sheer coincidence. I think it has real potential.
I'm talking of course about "Fourism." Everything, all of existence, both the physical and incorporeal, is mystically tied to the number four. We, as "Fourists," will tap the power of four in our personal and social lives. It's a revelation!!
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A (Four-Sided) Tetrahedron
How did I come to this realization? It was easy. I took a look around for something that requires no talent and is simple enough that even I can use it to take advantage other people. The number four jumped out at me as a prime candidate. It's just plain obvious. Take a look at some of the extraordinary and unusual qualities of this number:
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1. Four is regarded in numerology as representing order and stability. It is an underlying structure to life and the world. In Chinese numerology, it is associated with initiative and the materialistic. 2. The four-sided symmetrical solid is the tetrahedron. Shown rotating above, it is the simplest and strongest geometric solid, the basis for many crystalline structures. (Remember the New-Agers here!) 3. Four has many unusual and interesting numerical properties. Excepting the number one (which is a pretty boring number), four is the smallest square of a whole number. Other than one, the only factor of four is two. Four can be represented in several ways by the digits "2" and "2": 2+2=4, 2X2=4, 2^2=4, and so forth. 4. In the classic Aristotelian world-view, there were exactly four elements. Aristotle believed that all matter consisted of a mixture of air, fire, earth, and/or water. 5. Virtually all non-aquatic mammals have four limbs. And the ones that don't, used to. This is a clear sign of a master plan at work in the world. 6. For hundreds of years, doctors in Europe believed that there were four basic "humours" in the body. They believed that blood, yellow bile, phlegm, and black bile must be in balance to achieve good health. 7. As a prefix, it signifies being the best or in front. Just take a look at "foremost," "foreword," "fore and aft," and so forth. Coincidental cases of homonyms? I think not. 8. There are four ordinal compass points, four dimensions (if you count time as a dimension), and four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Again, this has to be more than pure coincidence. 9. The first word of one of the greatest and most inspirational speeches ever made was "four." Remember? "Four-score and seven years ago, our Fathers brought forth...." |
As Robert Stack would tell us, any one of these important facts might be regarded as "mere happenstance," but the odds against ALL of them being true is "beyond calculation." Clearly, there are forces at work here that we cannot pretend to understand. (Well, I guess that I COULD pretend, just like all the hucksters on TV pretend they're actually doing something real.)
But the most convincing evidence is yet to come. I only became aware of the truth recently myself, after much study of numerology and other mystic arts and esoterica. Did you know that...
Everything can be reduced to the number four!
IT'S TRUE!! Let's try it and see. Think about philosophy, for example. The word "philosophy" has ten letters. "Ten" has three letters. "Three" has five letters. "Five" has four letters. "Four" has four letters. We can go no further. We've reduced philosophy to its simplest level and we are left with the number four!
Let's see what happens when we analyze the possibility of global thermonuclear war. "Global thermonuclear war" has twenty-two letters. "Twenty-two" has nine letters (if you don't count the hyphen.) "Nine" has four letters, and "four" has four letters. We're back to four once again!
Shall we try just one more? According to Douglas Adams in his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy, the Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. But what is beyond 42? "Forty-two" has eight letters. "Eight" has five letters. "Five" has four letters, and "four" has four letters. Again, we've demonstrated that the truth underlying the number 42 is ACTUALLY four!!
I know that, by now, you're impressed. The only thing lacking is the endorsement of Nostradamus himself. And Nostradamus even wrote in quatrains (four-line verses), so you know that HE knew what was going on!
Fourism in Practice
So what is an intelligent, open-minded, person like yourself to do with this new-found knowledge? Remember, whatever it is, it should in some way benefit me. I'm calling on all Fourists to unite in a pledge to enable me, the one who has enlightened you, to devote all my time to the further study of Fourism. I recommend giving serious thought to the suggestions that follow.
Being aware of the mystical properties of four wouldn't be much fun if we Fourists didn't have some esoteric signs and practices. For starters, try spelling "four" as "4our" out of respect for the number and in recognition of its extraordinary qualities. When you meet a fellow 4ourist, extend the hand up and palm forward, with the thumb folded in and the 4our fingers extended as a sign of recognition.
Most important, send me money. It's not tax-deductible and you'll get absolutely nothing for it. Like Jerry Falwell, J. Z. Knight, and the Democratic Party, I'll just keep it and do with the money what I want. The difference is that I'm going to tell you this up front before you send the money. I'll even pay taxes on it. You can bet THEY won't!!
Feel free to send me any amount, but I suggest starting out by sending me $4.00. If you're feeling unusually foolish, send me more. (Heck, J. Z. Knight charges $1000-$1500 for a private session to channel Ramtha, the 35,000-year-old warrior who conquered Atlantis, and she's not even a good actress.) The best way to send money is through my PayPal account, which also accepts credit cards. As a matter of fact, you'll get $5.00 for signing up with PayPal, if you don't already have an account, so you can just send me the $5.00, if you want. My PayPal account is "kile@mindspring.com". If you send money, and have a good attitude, there's some chance that good "4ourtune" will be returned to you 4ourfold (more or less)!!
So far, I have received donations totaling:
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Links to Other Sites of Interest to 4ourists
Testimonials from 4ourists! - Here is a collection of testimonials I have already received from 4ourists around the world! Some of them might actually reflect reality!
Tarot and Numerology - This site has some very basic information on numerology. Not much, but enough to convince the totally foolish.
The Greek, Indian, and Chinese Elements - An interesting site that discusses the traditional/mythical views of the basic elements in several different cultures.
Why Is Everything 4? - A site that examines the process we went through to discover that EVERYTHING reduces to 4our. (Unfortunately, this site also discloses the secret of why this works. But that won't stop many people from believing it's mystical, since quite a few people are dumb enough to believe John Edward.)
Numerology - A fairly comprehensive introduction to numerology and astrology. And, oh, did I forget to mention? Astrology is a bunch of nonsensical crap, too. Really.
That's it for now. Remember, send money! If you need my mailing address, let me know. Remember, you won't get anything from me...not even a thank-you. But I won't keep calling you to try to get more, either. I'll be satisfied with what I get. Or send me an e-mail if you have any questions.
If you want to correspond with me about the number 4our, I'd be happy to discuss it with you. Just send mail to me.
IMPORTANT! I've already received many testimonials (some real, and some fabricated entirely by me), so check them out on my "4ourism Testimonials" page.
Return to the Unterzuber.com web page.